Psych 303: Relationships
(10-17-16)
Personal relationships
Relationships:
familial (family)
parents, grandparents, great grandparents, etc.
siblings
relationships with siblings are an interesting topic, some authors (e.g., Cavanaugh & Blanchard-Fields, 2011) speak of siblings as, "One special type of friendship exists with one's siblings" (p. 405)
females tend to report somewhat stronger relationships with siblings than males in our culture (Schmeeckle, Giarusso & Wang 1998); both males and females report these ties are strongest in adolescence and late life (Schmeeckle, Giarusso & Wang 1998)
biological relatives
non-biological relatives
children, grandchildren, etc
friendship
elements of friendship:
mutual satisfaction
trust
empathy, respect, caring
de Vries (1996) suggests there are three broad themes in adult relationships:
an affective or emotional basis for the friendship, based on self-disclosure, and expressions of intimacy, appreciation, affection, support; based on trust, loyalty, commitment
a shared or communal basis for the friendship, based on participation/interest in mutual activities
a sociability and compatibility basis for the friendship, based on finding our friends entertaining and sources of amusement, fun, recreation
de Vries believes these dimensions are found in friendships among adults of all ages; other researchers suggest these dimensions can be used to characterize both tradition (face to face) and online friendships (Ridings & Gefen, 2004)
perceptions of friendships vary over our lives and across different cultures; while people from all societies have friendships, their views of what this means can be very different (and may change over their lives)
early models of changes in social relationships as adults aged presented rather simplistic pictures of our evolution of relationships:
activity therapy: older adults seek to maintain their level engagement by substituting new roles for previous roles that have been lost, life satisfaction will reflect their success in doing so
disengagement theory: social and psychological is a necessary adaptation for successful aging
neither of these theories provided an adequate account of the variations in life satisfaction and social engagement in older adults
life span models attempt to provide a fuller account
socioemotional selectivity theory suggests that decreased social activities reflect a lifelong selection process as well as shifting goals sought from relationships
Carstensen and her colleagues suggest that two goals or motives are reflected in social interactions, and the balance of their importance shifts over the adult life span
information seeking -- this is a "functional motivation": what can I learn from you, how can my interactions with you help define my identity, can my interactions with you further my career/interests/achievements?
emotional regulation -- this is an "emotional" motivation: does my interaction with you fulfill emotional needs, do I find time spent with you satisfying or pleasant?
some evidence suggests emotional aspects are more important very early in life; functional motivations increase over childhood, adolescence, and early adulthood; and then decrease as emotional need predominate in older adulthood
as useful/valid as these generalization may be; remember this general rule about people: Variability is the norm; simple models will never capture all the realities about human experience
intimate relationships
sexual relationships
cohabitation
former spouses/lovers, widows & widowers
Platonic (non-sexual) intimate relationships
becoming a couple: Murstein (1987) proposed a theory that intimate relationships developed through stages reflecting the application of three "filters"
stimulus: does the potential partner's physical appearance, social class, manners match your own?
physical attraction is one significant factor in both relationship initiation and long-term satisfaction (but what you see as attractive varies considerably)
men in many cultures value physical attractiveness in women; whereas women value men capable of being good providers (Cavanaugh & Blanchard-Fields, 2011, p. 409)
values: does the person's values regarding sex, religion, politics, money, etc. match your own?
nearly all cultures rate dependability, emotional stability, kindness, and understanding as important factors (Cavanaugh & Blanchard-Fields, 2011, p. 409)
role: does the person's ideas about the relationship, communication style, gender roles, etc. match your own?
other interactive relationships (work, neighborhood, associations, child based)
casual relationships (mail person, service personnel, proximal associations)
Other ways of thinking about relationships
duration (long term, short, fixed)
nature (family/nonfamily; political/sexual/economic/etc.; dominant/submissive)
status (legal relationship [marriage, citizenship]; self-definitional; formal/informal; in group/out group)
It is probably useful to recognize that the idea of "relationships" is a human creation, e.g. it is an "idea, a concept", not a "thing" that exists in the world. This does not mean that relationships are illusionary or unimportant--they are the most critical aspects of life for many/most of us--but their nature and boundaries are to a large extent created by us, defined by us, established by our actions, beliefs, and statements.
Formation and ending of relationships
the development of social networks
association, commonality, shared activities, emotional responsiveness and cueing
intimacy
dissolution
breaking up
divorce
death
Intimacy (close relationships, love)
what makes a relationship intimate?
sharing
vulnerability
"closeness"
love
many kinds of love: eros and agape
Robert Sternberg's triangular theory of love
intimacy: the emotional component (warm, tender communication, expressions of concern for other's well being, desire for reciprocation from partner)
passion: physical- and psychological-arousal component (desire for sexual activity and romance)
commitment: cognitive component (deciding your are in love, working to maintain relationship)
"If I speak in the tongues of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast, but do not have love, I gain nothing.
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
. . . .
And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love."
In the beginning of love relationships the early, passionate love (intense sexual attraction) tends to evolve into companionate love (warm, trusting affection, care giving). Early passionate love is a strong predictor of whether partners keep dating; but absent the quiet intimacy, predictability, and shared values of companionate love, most romances break up (Acker & Davis, 1992; Fehr, 1994; Hendrick & Hendrick, 2002)
Couples who relationships endure usually report increases in love for each other, commitment appears to be an important factor, and communicating that commitment (through warmth, attentiveness, empathy, caring, acceptance, respect) strongly predicts relationship maintenance (Rusbult et al., 2006).
Constructive conflict resolution is an important aspect of communication:
directly expressing wishes and needs
listening patiently
asking for clarification
compromising
accepting responsibility
forgiving their partner
avoiding escalation of negative interactions (limited use of criticism, contempt, defensiveness, stonewalling, avoidance)
Cultural variations
the Western view of love stresses autonomy, appreciation of the partner's unique qualities, and intense emotions
Eastern cultures often place great emphasis on dependence, broader social relationships, obligations toward others (especially the family)
Arranged marriages are still relatively common in some cultures
Marriage and other intimate relationships
marriage is often defined (as your textbook does) as a "social institution", a "legally sanctioned union between a man and a woman (in most U.S. states)." (Whitbourne & Whitbourne, 2011, p. 192)
there are legal, economic, social, religious, health, and political aspects to the institution of marriage
for instance, spouses cannot be compelled to testify against each other; and may open (and close) bank and charge card accounts for each other
for instance, spouses may file joint income tax returns and enjoy some financial advantages in doing so and are jointly obligated for debts
for instance, marriage (and the family) is often seen as the foundation for child rearing and the transmission of cultural knowledge and values
for instance, spouses can visit each other if one is hospitalized (under most circumstances) and may have access to (most) health records
for instance, marriage is recognized as the basis for approved sexual intimacy by many of the world's religions and is a sacrament in many faiths
for instance, spouses are usually eligible to participate in their spouses' health care plan and may be the de facto designee to execute end-of-life decisions (and, yes, married people do tend to live longer; but remember this is a correlation [a very reliable one in our society since records have been available] and does not necessarily identify a causal relationships may be that the people who are going to marry under current circumstances are also the people who are going to live longer, and that marriage and longevity have nothing directly to do with each other, i.e., I can't necessarily live longer by marrying. I actually believe there are several functional relationships between marriage and longevity, but these represent theorizing and speculation, not strongly demonstrated empirical relationships. Much of what we know about relationships are based on observation and correlation or quasi experiment, and relatively little on experiment, except in some of the marriage counseling literature)
for instance, the issue of who will be allow to marry has been a "hot" current issue in elections and court challenges to marriage laws
many of us marry; some remain married, some divorce, some are widowed; many remarry
as your textbook points out: approximately half the adult population (U.S. population 18 years of age and older) are married and almost three quarters of the adult populations have been married at least once by age 55; women tend to marry for the first time a couple years younger than men (median age); and there are significant ethnic differences in marriage patterns
Cohabitation
What your grandmother or great grandmother may have referred to as "living in sin" referred to living together without marriage; today we usually speak of couples "living together" or being "partners" when they are in stable and mutually dependent relationships which include acknowledged sexual intimacy. Roommates also live together (and sometimes have sexual relationships) but sexual intimacy is not a recognized (and may be a denied) aspect of the arrangement.
Sexual activity before marriage has probably been occurring (sometimes) for as long as we have had pair-bonding; one difference here is the public acknowledgement of this aspect of the relationship
Living together is not a "new phenomenon" either, couples have lived together without state or church sanctioned marriage for probably as long as there has been marriage. Historically, in many states, this could lead to a legal status: "common law marriages" occurred when a couple had lived together for a number of years (sometimes 7 continuous years) and/or had children. In states where common law marriage were recognized, these had the force of law: the couple became a legal and economic unit as far as the state was concerned.
Some of the interesting aspects of the current practice of cohabitation is the legitimacy it has acquired in our culture--it is no longer seen as shameful or less than desirable by many of us (but your grandmother probably still wants you to be married before you move in together and especially before you have children together)
Possibly related to this acceptability in how frequently this arrangement is occurring, as your textbook noted, somewhat over half of current marriages are preceded by cohabitation
Cohabitation may be view (by the couple and/or by society) as either a step toward marriage (dating, engagement/cohabitation, marriage) or as an alternative to marriage
the "cohabitation effect" refers to a reported increased likelihood of divorce in couples whose marriage was preceded by cohabitation; strong interpretation of this finding is complicated by changing social mores, changing patterns of marriage and divorce, cohort effects, and changes in marriage dissolution laws
also, as your textbook points out, "serial cohabitation" may be more strongly associated with later marriage dissolution than "developmental cohabitation" (dating, intimate relationships, cohabitation, marriage)
also, cohabitation in seniors (with no intention or plan to marry) is probably different thatn cohabitation in young adults (where one or both partners may have some degree of expectation of eventual marriage)
research on the effects of cohabitation on the children of these relationships (and children from previous relationships) is ongoing
Same-Sex Couples
research on same-sex stable, intimate relationships is much more limited than that which is available on marriage; and only very recently (2004) have any of these relationships occurred with the approbation of state approval (some churches have recognized gay marriage for a longer period of time but these "marriages" were not legally recognized by the states the couples lived in)
the major difference in the past was the suggestion that without the legal complications of separation, same-sexed relationships were somewhat more prone to break up when stressed (there are mixed finding on this in both heterosexual and homosexual couples); if this were the case, it would presumably change as gay and lesbian couples in more states are legally bound together
issues of divorce, child custody litigation, and blended families are beginning to play out among same-sex couple as they have over the centuries in more traditional marriages
Divorce and remarriage
Dissolution of marital relationships appear to be declining in our society (although many marriage will eventually end in divorce), several factors probably have contributed to this:
divorce is usually perceived as a failure and negative event, to be avoided if possible
there are numerous financial, legal, child custody, broader family relationship difficulties occasioned by divorce; and these provide motivation to "preserve the marriage"
premarital counseling is encouraged and/or required by many officiants of marriage (ministers, rabbis, priests, etc.), which appears to be associated with decreased marital conflict, increased marriage satisfaction, and decreased divorce rates
the demographics of marriage have changed in our society (people are waiting long before their first marriage, which is associated with somewhat lower divorce rates)
marriage counseling can help some distressed couples improve their relationship to the point where both members wish to continue the relationship
psychologists, sociologists, poets, philosophers, authors, playwrights, song writers, bartenders, and the rest of us continue to consider what makes for a "happy marriage", a "good marriage", an acceptable relationship, a stable and enduring relationship
Widowhood
most marriages will "end" in at least one sense: usually the death of one spouse proceeds the other's death
there are significant psychological and medical consequences to the death of a spouse
depression is common
increased dependence on extended family and/or moves to supported housing is may be seen
health problems increase
"widowhood effect" refers to increased probability of death in the surviving partner when a spouse dies
these may reflect stress, loss of positive experiences, disruption of health maintenance patterns ("My wife reminds me to take my [blood pressure medicine, etc.]", decreased physical activity, changes in diet)
Singlehood
deciding to remain single is perceived as more of an option than at times in our past
although there remain stereotypes and biases against single adults (especially beyond young adulthood)
single people may receive less compensation at their work
rental agents prefer married couples over single people
gender differences have been observed in singlehood
men tend to remain single longer into young adulthood
fewer men than women remain unmarried through adulthood
men and women may move differently across status lines (men may "marry down" while women may "marry up")
women with higher levels of education have been overrepresented among unmarried adults compared with men of similar level of education
the transition to permanent singlehood is usually gradual
by the age of 40, never-married women tend to define family as their family of origin and their friendships
some continuing singles are content with their life, some are dissatisfied (much like married individuals)
Parenthood
One major aspect of marriage is the birth of children, the "couple" becomes a "family"
nuclear family, extended family
family life cycle: the more-or-less predictable changes the family goes through as the children mature
deciding whether to have children
having children is expensive and stressful, but most of us do it anyway
having children does not usually improve a marriage
and it's not entirely up to the couple--infertility is a challenge that some couples desiring children will have to face
the parental role
parenting practices vary tremendously between cultures and ethnic groups, and over time and situation
single parents, blended families, families with adopted children, families with gay and lesbian parents all face unique challenges not part of the "standard vision" shared by many subgroups within our society
the (more or less) consistent lesson from the child development literature: children need two things (three actually) from their parents
love (unconditional positive support and affirmation)
structure (boundaries, rules, guidelines, differential reinforcement, teaching)
(plus food, clothing, bedding, transportation to school, medical care, etc.--the physical/material supports for the child's life and development)
from child to teenager: "Oh, no, not adolescence!"
in our society (but not in all human cultures), adolescence tends to bring some degree of emotional upheaval into the family: but the "storm and stress" model of adolescence is more myth than reality for most families
while puberty is a physiological event with more-or-less clear markers, adolescence is a culturally defined period of "in between" existence
rites of passage
schools change -- elementary goes to middle school or junior high goes to high school (and college)
a driver's license is both a token of freedom and a functional expansion of capability
substance use (licit and illicit)
relationships become sexually charged (even if not "sexual")
(childhood platonic relationships and friendships between potential sexual partners may become more conflicted, "Why can't he/she just like me? [usually uttered or thought with great emotion])
teenagers experience the emotional, cognitive, physical, and social changes of adolescence; and tend to push for, expect, demand greater freedom, self-determination, and acknowledgement within the family
yet research suggests that most adolescents
admire and love their parents
rely upon their parents for advice
embrace many of their parents' values
feel loved by their parents
parents tend to be somewhat devalued within the teenager's world view as the expert, leader, moral compass they represented to the child
parents may feel ignored and shut out of their child's world, may feel challenged by the youth's expression of individuality, may feel exasperated by their teenager's apparent narcissism, rashness, foolhardiness, and immaturity;
they may also (hopefully) be delighted by the adolescent's accomplishments and growing sense of self
letting go: from adolescent to adult
parent-child relationships tend to improve when children emerge from adolescence
the parent and now young adult child must build a new relationship of almost (but never quite) equals
the "empty nest" may occasion a crisis in relationships with the "family" which is now a couple again
grandparenthood
assuming new roles in the life of the new family
many/most grandparents derive great satisfaction and pleasure from the role
most children, adolescents, and young adults report positive relationships with their grandparents
in the increasingly mobile society that the U.S. became in the 20th century, more grandparents assumed a distant relationship with their grandchildren
a concern for some grandparents is maintaining a relationship with grandchildren following the divorce or separation of the children's parents
some grandparents serve a surrogate or custodial parent role for their grandchildren
this may result when parents are addicted, incarcerated, or unable to care for children because of health or mental health issues
in some subcultures grandparents may be seen as the primary agent of socialization
the family culture: patterns of practices within our families: holidays, celebrations, funerals, get-to-gathers, reunions
Friendships
the influence and support of friends are a major factor in the lives of many throughout adult life
friendships are especially important in maintaining life satisfaction across adulthood
most individuals in our society have the largest number of friendship relationships during young adulthood
Levinson proposed an ABCDE model of friendship, suggesting a series of stages friendships go through:
A acquaintanceship
B buildup
C continuation
D deterioration
E ending
yet some friendships endure over extended periods of time (decades) and distance
like romantic partners and childhood friends, adult friends are usually similar in many ways to each other (age, sex, SES) and these factors may contribute to common interests, experiences, and attitudes that make the relationship mutually satisfying
trust, intimacy, and loyalty are important in adult friendships
gender differences may be seen to a degree:
female friends tend to see each other more often, and the friendship relationship may have a greater focus on emotional sharing and support; females tend to have more friends than males
male friends may have a greater focus on shared activities, such as sports (and the relationship my ebb if the shared activities cease), if the friendship endures for an extended period of time, more emotional sharing may occur
these differences may represent the continuation of patterns learned in childhood
women (in our culture) tend to have more experience with intimate sharing from early childhood, and base their friendships on emotional sharing and mutual support
men (in our culture) are encouraged to compete, which may create a reluctance to confide in other; social pressures to be "brave and strong" may inhibit forming close relationships
other-sex friendships
cross-sex friendships tend to help men have lower levels of dating anxiety and a higher capacity for intimacy
some research suggests that men tend to over perceive and women tend to under perceive their friends' sexual interest in them
maintaining cross-sex friendships once one or both individuals enter into marriage or committed relationships may be difficulty and be complicated by feelings of jealousy (this may occur with same-sex friendships as well)
on-line friendships are a new phenomenon, which continues to evolve as our world grows "more connected"
The dark side of relationships
"abusive relationships" are usually defined as a relationship which becomes violent or in which one person becomes aggressive toward their partner
an extreme form is "battered woman syndrome" in which the female partner is abused and feels she cannot leave the relationship
one can speak of a continuum of aggressive behavior from verbal abuse to physical aggression to severe physical aggression to murder
multiple factors may contribute to aggression in a relationship: childhood experiences, substance abuse, mental illness, authoritarian personality characteristics, cultural attitudes toward women and toward physical violence in a relationship, economic stress
data suggests that rates of violence toward women in marriages are higher in cultures which emphasize female purity, male status, and family honor
much, but not all, physical abuse within intimate relationships is from males directed to females
there are gender differences in abusive relationships
women tend to be less physically violent in relationships
what data is available on gay and lesbian relationships appears to parallel that shown in heterosexual couples
multiple factors may also contribute to a woman staying in an abusive relationship: childhood experiences, economic dependence, reluctance to separate children from their father or father figure, lack of education and skills, lack of family support
domestic shelters may provide temporary protection; restraining order often fail to offer any real protection (despite the explicit threat of legal sanctions, orders of protection probably work best with people who tend to follow rules; as a society we have a pretty clear "rule" [social more] against partner violence; you can probably see the difficulty here)
It seems to me that our mores (non codified, implicit rules of society) against partner violence has only recently become strongly held by a majority of the society as applying in all situations. In one of the early and very popular television shows, The Honeymooners, Jackie Gleason's character repeatedly made jokes about "smacking" his wife in the sitcom. While this never actually occurred in the shows, it was seen as "humorous" Very few abused partners or mental health professional today would find anything funny about spousal abuse jokes and this kind of "humor" would probably not show up on network television.
Instructor bias: my own values is that you should never be afraid of the person who is your partner, you should never fear your intimate other, your home/family/close relationships should feel safe and caring (allowing for the reality that all human relationships involve, from time to time, frustration and conflict; and that none of us are perfect). I recognize that the reality for some, perhaps many of us is other than this but believe that we, as a society, should be clear with each other that intimate partner violence, domestic violence, and child abuse are intolerable and will not be accepted.